Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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