my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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