i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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