I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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