One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found the puke drawer
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
