...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
