the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
