OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
