So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
