I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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