I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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