If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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