I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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