I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
