I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
