It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
