Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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