I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
