i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
