I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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