I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
