Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
