If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
