In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
