In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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