ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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