fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
