good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
