when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Randomize
