thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
