I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
