even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
