She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
