i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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