he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
