You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
