You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
