Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
