I showed him my bush... on skype.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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