U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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