this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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