my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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