gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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