I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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