you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
