I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
