sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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