Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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