we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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