Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
