Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
