Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
