She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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