So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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