my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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