maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
