I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
