if i can run in heels then i can drive
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
